Saturday, November 8, 2008

Just put up with me...

I have a feeling I am going to be rambling alot here over the next two weeks. I just don't want to burden those IRL with my fears. So, sorry, if you come here & feel like reading you will have to put up with me.

I do really know way too much about medical stuff. I wasn't scared too much before I went to the vascular surgeon. As I said before, I am scared $hitless now. I haven't slept well since I went. My sleep is very restless, weird & wild dreams that wake me up in a sweat. I don't do well without sleep. It usually means I end up getting sick, which I do not need before this procedure. I am very afraid of having to have a major surgery. I am worried so much about my little girl. She knows I went to the doctor on Tuesday and keeps asking "you feel better now?" . She knows something is up. It is her little instinct going off.

I don't know how not to be afraid. I know I have the right, but I just don't want to worry those around me. I am the "fixer", the "strong one", the "level-headed one", the "independent one", the "reliable one". I feel like with the last thing on my plate, I can't deal. It is if I have one of those cheap paper plates that is overloaded. I am fumbling to carry it & someone puts one more serving of food on there and that is it. I can feel the plate bending, folding in & ready to spill over. No one else notices cause they are too busy eating. They all have a reliable strong plate, but I got a cheap one cause there were none left by the time I got to get something myself. I always put everyone & everything else first. Now, I have nothing left for me. I feel as if everyone is already over burdened with all that we have been through the last 8 years or so. I already feel like DH has checked out on me. He can't handle crisis at all.

I just want to fall apart, but I can't. I have to be strong cause someone in this family has to keep it together. How much more do we have to go through? I know what we go through with MM is small potatoes compared to so many others. It just seems that we keep getting kicked over & over. I want to cry cause it doesn't seem fair. If I start crying, I don't think I will stop. Two weeks of crying wouldn't do anyone any good. When do we get our happily ever after? Does anyone?

Warned you! Nothing but nonsense & prattle!


Colleen said...


Ellen said...

Hi. I am just getting to know you, but it's clear that your anxiety is pretty extreme... Please don't take this as anything but a helpful suggestion, but would you ever consider anti-anxiety medication? I almost went on some after Max was born and i was a holy mess, but I never did. The doctor suggested it.

MeghatronsMom said...

Ellen thanks for the suggestion. The sad part is I already AM on anxiety medicine- two types. Oy Vey! This too shall pass. That which does not kill us only makes us stronger, right?

carina said...

Hi, Good luck to you on your surgery. I can understand your fear - but I have also learned that we somehow attract what we fear. Not that I am saying don't be afraid because that would be unfair since I have never been in your position. I just know...that God gave you a gorgeous daughter and made you her advocate. You have something to fight for! So, get on with it. Fight (CP moms do that well). I know that all will go well. I am holding thumbs. :)

Ellen said...

Hi! I hope you are feeling calmer today. I just did a post about worrying. :)