Thursday, July 19, 2007

The REAL Reason for the Blahs

Here is the "other thing" on my mind that I wrote about in the previous post.

Having a special needs child is very difficult. There is lots of joy in it, however, there is also a lot of heartache. Included in that heartache is anger, resentment, sadness & blame. BLAME- one does alot of blaming. It can be something very hard to get over. I often blame myself in many ways for MM disabilities.

Maybe I should have gone to the doctor sooner...

Maybe I should I have been more adamant during labor about her decels...

Maybe I did something to deserve this.

That last one is a big one for me. Now, I realize that with lots of soul-searching & counseling that it is not the case. I don't feel that way too often any more. However, in the last few weeks there has been something that went on in my life that has caused these feelings to resurface. This is a long story, so I will try to keep it brief.

My brother has been dating a girl for about 9 months or so. Even though she lives here, I guess he initially met her on myspace. She blogs alot about her personal life, often some VERY personal things. She added me as one of her friends & I now have the ability to read her blogs. It is interesting to read things from her point of view. She sometimes posts things about my mom or me & my family. She made one post about a past conversation her & my brother had. It was one of their first conversations. I was reading it & got towards the bottom. Here is what I read, I am however removing the names. (His conversation will be in blue, hers in pink)

8:07 PM They moved here then my parents retired to florida and then my sister was in a coma from having a child and then they decided to move here to help her out
me: my family is in florida
they want me to move back down there

8:08 PM damn you and your sister are sickly
8:10 PM no actually that was the first real thing that happened to me
8:11 PM me: i'm just kidding with you
but my sister is and her daughter has cerebal palsey
me: that sucks
8:12 PM i think it serves her right in some ways cause when we were little she used to make fun of the special kids all the time and i used to tell her
dont do that it might happen to yoo
but her daughter megan is awsome
8:13 PM i love her to death she's the cutest little thing

I have loads of problems with this conversation. First, he can't even spell her name correctly. Second, I was never in coma. Third, I very rarely made fun of special kids. He is not so above me, he was acting all high & mighty. I guess he was using it to get some from this girl. NOW, to say that it serves me right. WTF??? I immediately burst into tears. It is the most horrible feeling in the world to have someone, who supposedly loves you, say that about you & your SNK. My hubby went & confronted him about it. At first, he claimed he never said it. Can't claim that lie- it was right there in black & white on her blog. He then said he was angry when he said it. WHATEVER! I don't care how mad you are, you don't attack me by saying I did something to stricken my innocent child with CP. He then emailed me an apology, but has not made any attempts to speak with me. I sure am heck not going to call him. I emailed him back & said I forgave, but obviously I can not forget.

Children are not born with disabilities to punish their parents. Children are innocent. Therefore by the grace of God he goes. What makes him think he did everything right & is deserving of having typical children? He has a whole lot of issues of his own & often depends on my mom, my sister or me to feed & cloth his children. He has no concept of how lucky he is to have two beautiful, completely whole children. I do believe though that is why I was given MM. I am not being punished. I am not sure what I did to deserve this for I am pretty lucky to have MM. She makes me thankful everyday for all the small things. We get to celebrate every little milestone that she passes for we did not know if she would. She was given to me to teach me to find joy in each & every little thing in life, to not take any thing for granted. She was given to me because I am able to provide for her and be a good advocate for her.

It was disheartening to find out what my own brother really thinks of me. His words, even if from a while ago, stung so bad. Those words have helped to send me back into a funk. I am trying to dig my way out by thinking of all the positives I stated above. He is just continuing to share the prejudice in the world that goes along with disabilities. Here he was claiming to be "Mr. Don't Make Fun of People" and yet he is just perpetuating one of the stereotypical thoughts people have. I found out how closed minded he really is. How sad it must be to be so closed minded, but I guess "it serves him right". He just has ordinary, typical kids. I have a special one <3

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

This ~N~ That

We took MM to a waterpark yesterday. It was her first time at an amusement park of any kind. Despite an immediate meltdown in the lazy river for two reasons (sunscreen got in her eyes & she couldn't just go any which way), she did quite well. She made it for 2 1/2 hours and then she was completely exhausted. She was ready to eat & go home. There was no changing her mind- so a hundred bucks for a few hours of entertainment. It was worth every penny though. She was not afraid of any of the baby waterslides we took her on. She really enjoyed the wave pool the best and her repeating "ut oh, here comes the wave" was priceless. She also kept saying "Look at all these kids!" whenever we tried to go from one attraction to another. She refused to ride in her stroller most of the time there and that would be why she was so tired. It becomes apparent how much her CP fatigues her when you see other children her age with boundless energy.

I have been off the last 8 days with a few more to go before I return to work. It has been nice, but I have also had a bad case of the blahs. Hubby was supposed to take off & he never turned in his time. So, I have been off trying to organize the house. Not going so well. I really need some space desperately around here. It makes me feel like such a failure to clean my booty off & look around to see clutter. I guess that is what happens when you have a child. We have all of her toys plus all of her equipment as well. MM has been a little on the trying side during this time off as well. She has gotten into a stubborn streak with her moods. She is really acting like a two year old, which is great for the advancement in development, but bad for they don't call it the terrible two's for no reason. It is often hard to assess if it is her autism or just her naughty behavior. I feel bad for I am not as patient as I should be somedays. I do enjoy being home cause I get a sample of being a SAHM and how nice it would be- a girl can dream, right?

We have our appointment with the Immunologist coming up. I am not too worried, just mildly concerned. I think we will find she has allergies like I do. I don't think I can take any more bad news. I say that, but I will just deal with it. It doesn't change who she is, just changes how we care for her. Her private PT & OT seem to be going okay. The center, however, is not the most organized. It is a small place that grew by leaps & bounds and outgrew the area it is in quickly. It bothers me that I have to keep reminding them how easily distracted she is and that she can not work in a room full of other little ones getting therapy. Otherwise, they have lots of great equipment. She is doing treadmill training. I read about it a while ago (this is a newer article and was looking for a center that had it. I am pleased with her success at it.

She is asking for some "OJ", so I better run... Got one more thing on my mind, but I will post that totally separate. July is over half gone!

Monday, July 2, 2007

Sometimes Autism

Sometimes Austism can be funny. Really, it can. Sometimes the "scripting" she uses can be too funny or extremely appropriate. ("Scripting" is repeating a program she has seen or a previous conversation she has heard. We like to call it doing her "schtick" as if she is a standup comedian). For example, she has a Charlie Brown video she likes to watch. Whenever we go to Target, she uses it to get what she wants. In the video, Lucy is going to a show that Snoopy is putting on. MM just does Lucy's conversation.

First, she tells me- "Mommy need popcorn, please" (this is not a script). You MUST get popcorn everytime you go to Target. MM then gets to the counter & says "Popcorn, please". She then says louder "I said POPCORN, please". (I then must order the #1 popcorn combo cause she must have a lemonade to go with her popcorn). She then gets the popcorn handed to her & says "Thank you, kind sir"- doesn't matter if it is a male or a female.

Now, to anyone else, they would see this as a young child being polite & getting some popcorn. Only we know that it is a script. That is what is funny to me. She is doing something that appears "typical" and yet it is not. Now, if only there was a script she could memorize for every situation in life, then I would never have a reason to worry.