Friday, June 20, 2008

Lump in My Throat & Hole in My Heart

Once again, someone we know had a baby. It is one of DH's co-worker's wife. They are both young, her much younger. She is so much younger than us that she is not even legal age to have a drink. She is like a high school girl. She kept talking about how many times she had changed her outfit for the day (3 to be exact). She would not suction the baby's nose nor change the diaper- that is HIS job to do that. It appears she thinks having a baby is like having a doll. Did I mention that they got pregnant on their honeymoon, so they haven't even been married a year yet? She also had a steady stream of visitors in and the baby got to stay in the room with her. It was nice to hold the baby. I held her so the new mom could eat. I held their baby, who was just a little over a day old, longer than I ever held MM the whole first week of her life. They were so happy and I marveled at how "normal" it all was and the sweet innocence they had in regards to having a baby. The whole time we were there, I had a lump building in my throat. I was very happy for them, but just wanted to get out of there cause I felt like I couldn't swallow or breath.

When we left there, DH asked me if that made me want to have another baby. I couldn't hold back any longer and the tears started to flow. I answered him yes, I would love another baby, but NO, that does not make me want to HAVE another baby. The odds are so high that we would go through what we went through before. I just can't do that. Another preemie, another world of uncertainty, another strain on my poor health, another possible autism diagnosis. No.

It just hurts so bad.

Watching them, it was so easy for them. I feel like I am missing something major. I have a huge hole in my heart that causes the lump to swell. Even though I know it is impractical and almost improbable for us to have another child, I feel cheated. I missed out on and will never experience all the normal things of having a baby. I won't know how it feels to just "decide" to try for a baby and have a healthy nine months. I won't know how it is to feel like you are ready to "pop" cause your belly is so big. I won't know how it feels to finish packing your bag and finish up all the little things before the baby comes. I won't know how it feels to have your baby in the room with you all night. I won't know how it feels to have everyone visit you while you and your husband proudly show off your newborn and pass the baby from visitor to visitor. I won't know how it feels to leave the hospital the same day as your baby- the whole family going home. I will never have the innocence of having a baby and everything being just great.

Instead I have memories of: taking medicine to stay pregnant, hyperemesis, being told to go straight from the doctor's office to the hospital and not having my bag packed, not seeing my baby for over 12 hours, finally getting to see her and holding her for a brief minute while hooked up to tubes & wires, a few people coming to peek at her in the window in the NICU, hardly anyone coming cause I was so sick and not allowed up for long periods of time, going home without my baby and leaving her in that plastic box for others to care for her.

It has been over five years and I am still not over it. I guess it is like some sort of PTSD and grieving process combined. I just didn't think it would hit me so hard this far out. Some days I am at peace and other days I hear "Pity party, table of one- Pity part, table of one". When will it ever stop hurting?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Heard THAT Before

MM had her usual Thursday OT & PT sessions. They both came out to tell me that she was really social today but very uncoordinated. She just seemed out of sorts. However, after days of being so off behaviorly & socially at home, she was ON. Guess she can't be coordinated & social on the same day.

The PT also said she's not sure if she will ever be able to ride her trike without close supervision let alone a real bike. She needs constant help to steer. She can pedal OR she can steer, but she can not do BOTH. She said her motor planning skills are so poor. I told her "We were also told she would never walk unassisted and she does. She couldn't jump when we started here over a year ago & now she is jumping. That is why I pay you, figure it out".

So, today was a good day. I did not get discouraged by her words, just disgusted. I get tired of hearing so many negatives. Don't get me wrong, the therapists there are really good & come out with positives all the time. It's just you get tired of hearing the same old things when it comes to your child.




BLAH BLAH BLAH words I have heard before. Prove them wrong MM- how many times does Mommy tell you "You are an AmeriCAN not an AmeriCAN'T".