I don't know if I do on this blog.
I sometimes look at all the other blogs & see how much everyone writes about sunshine & rainbows. Don't get me wrong. We have sunshine & rainbows here. At times, they are just few & far between. After all this time, I guess I am still: bitter, angry, shocked, sad, depressed, etc. I have tried some counseling & of course the lovely meds. I guess it isn't enough. I still go through these long spells of dreary sadness.
Right now is one of those times. I feel overwhelmed by my life. It seems we can't get ahead no matter how much time I spend running. I hate that I feel as if I always have to clarify myself to others with statements like "I AM very thankful she is doing well, but...". She is doing amazing & beyond so many others. I feel guilty cause she isn't "disabled enough" at times amongst our disabled friends. I worry so much about the past (which I know I can't change), the here & now (am I doing enough, will it ever be good enough?) and the future (what will it be?). I can't seem to forgive myself for what has happened to my precious daughter, even though I did not solely cause it.
I mostly blog about the bad times cause this is where I "talk" it out, get it off my chest. This is where I come to stomp my feet, pout and scream about things. I guess I just am not a blogger who wants to write about how wonderful it is to live with ASD/CP all the time. It can be rewarding, it can make me feel blessed beyond all others. It also can be hardwork, tedious, heartbreaking and unfair.
I apologize if I am often a downer.
It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.
7 years ago