Thursday, April 30, 2009

Do I whine too much?

I don't know if I do on this blog.

I sometimes look at all the other blogs & see how much everyone writes about sunshine & rainbows. Don't get me wrong. We have sunshine & rainbows here. At times, they are just few & far between. After all this time, I guess I am still: bitter, angry, shocked, sad, depressed, etc. I have tried some counseling & of course the lovely meds. I guess it isn't enough. I still go through these long spells of dreary sadness.

Right now is one of those times. I feel overwhelmed by my life. It seems we can't get ahead no matter how much time I spend running. I hate that I feel as if I always have to clarify myself to others with statements like "I AM very thankful she is doing well, but...". She is doing amazing & beyond so many others. I feel guilty cause she isn't "disabled enough" at times amongst our disabled friends. I worry so much about the past (which I know I can't change), the here & now (am I doing enough, will it ever be good enough?) and the future (what will it be?). I can't seem to forgive myself for what has happened to my precious daughter, even though I did not solely cause it.

I mostly blog about the bad times cause this is where I "talk" it out, get it off my chest. This is where I come to stomp my feet, pout and scream about things. I guess I just am not a blogger who wants to write about how wonderful it is to live with ASD/CP all the time. It can be rewarding, it can make me feel blessed beyond all others. It also can be hardwork, tedious, heartbreaking and unfair.

I apologize if I am often a downer.
It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.

7 comments:

Ally in Wonderland said...

It IS your blog and you can do with it what you want! I enjoy hearing your vents. I know it makes you feel better knowing you have a community that cares about you (AT LEAST I DO!!!) It's also nice for me to hear a REAL TRUE parent's perspective of what's going on so I know how to be the best teacher possible and avoid these situations. You need a safe place to get this all out, and that safe place (within reason, for which you have taken precautions) is here. Don't ever apologize for being whiney again!

Do you hear me missy????

jamie said...

i don't think you whine too much....i think you whine an appropriate amount. :)

Nancy said...

Life is never all sunshine and rainbows for anyone. At least not for anyone that I know.

I don't think you whine too much at all. It's your blog, so technically you are allowed to do all the whining you want.

But I will tell you this...
"I can't seem to forgive myself for what has happened to my precious daughter, even though I did not solely cause it. "

I don't want to see things like that. You had no part in causing anything!! I know logically you know this, emotionally it's difficult to understand it. But you have to try. That you have to work on. There is nothing that you could have done to change a single aspect of MMs outcome.

You are an amazing mom and MM is so very lucky to have you. I know you know that, but it certainly is nice to be reminded of that fact every once in a while.

Colleen said...

If you are feeling down...then for many talking/blogging about it helps. This is your blog and to me it seems you use it to show the struggles that occur everyday! Unfortunatly life isnt rainbows and butterflies and there is no use in constantly pretending it is.

Jacqui said...

it is unfair and if you need to vent on the blog - well, so be it. It's your blog so write what you want and I wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks.

Chun Wong said...

I don't think you whine too much! Blogs like this are about being honest, people won't think you're a real human being if you don't share the bad times as well as the good. I think your blog is great

Ellen said...

I love that line "It's my blog and I'll whine if I want to." That's it, exactly. This is your place to speak what's in your heart and on your mind. If people don't want to come and read it, they don't have to. But, obviously, we want to read what you have to say because we're here. And we can relate. We all get down at times, or plenty of times, how can you not when you're juggling all that we do? Keep writing what you want to. We will come, and we will be here for you.