Thursday, November 13, 2008

It's About Control

Or lack thereof. That is what is causing all of this extra anxiety. I have absolutely no control over this situation. I am a type A for sure. I like to be organized and in control. I am a micro-manager. You would think that with a SNK, I would learn to roll with the flow easier. I have in regards to her. I wouldn't call it easier, I just tolerate it. I try my best to make sure it all goes well. I keep my palm handy at all times to organize the many appointments. She has her schedules as well. In that respect, her ASD goes well with my need for organization.

I try my best to fix everything & make sure it goes smoothly. I am a middle child, so I am a peacemaker. I mediated between the the older & the younger, while fighting my own battles as well. As an adult, I try to make life in the extended family as smooth as possible. I am not irrational like my older sibling, nor am I a huge dreamer like the younger. I am the level-headed one.

In my job, I fix people. You can't breath, I help you make it so you can. I am the one people come to for advice or when they need help. I am a take charge kind of girl. I step in, assess the situation & get done what needs to be done.

So, that is why I worry. This whole thing is out of my control. I have to rely on everyone else to "fix this" and make it so. I also worry cause this has been going on for so long & no one else HAS fixed. I hope that this will take care of everything & make me feel well. I am sick & tired of being sick & tired.


Nancy said...

"She has her schedules as well. In that respect, her ASD goes well with my need for organization."

That is such a fantastic statement!

Being a control freak (to an extent) myself, I can empathize with you and how you feel about not being in control of the situation. My advice, find something about the situation that you can control. It may be something minor, but as long as you control it, and know that the big picture can't happen without it, maybe you will feel better.

Did any of that make sense at all? I am rambling from all of the homework I have completed in the last 72 hours. Procrastinator? Who me?

therextras said...

I relate to how you feel - I consider myself in recovery from the need to manage everything. I've learned to let some things go - so they don't wear on me. Do you have faith in something other than this life? That helps a lot of people, too. Including me. Barbara

Ellen said...

Control freak here, too. I always used to think I'd learn to let go of things a little more, but, noooooo. I realize this whole thing is out of your control, and it's hard to not freak. But here's what helps me gain SOME sense of calm when I am freaking, which is that it is not good for the kids to sense that I am freaking/not calm. I try to do it for them. Try, try, try to find a way to find some peace. Take up something that might help, if you're not exercising, start taking a walk. Make more plans to get out with friends. Do SOMETHING to take your mind off things.
I am sorry you are going through this.

Angela said...

Me too. I really agree with Nancy, find control in smaller things. I really wish things were better for you right now. Please know you're always in my thoughts...lots of love to you!