Sunday, February 21, 2010

Where are you?

I miss the old me.

How I used to describe myself:
Love to laugh, joke & just have fun. A perfectionist who likes to succeed & do everything as the best. Not a jealous type. Not quick to anger. Peacemaker, fixer, go-getter. Not a yeller or a fighter. Assertive. Naive. Independent & self-reliant. Dreamer but a serious planner, who can be spontaneous (especially when it comes to road trips) Never skinny, but fit & curvy. Organized & a good housekeeper.

I haven't been me since May 2000. Almost a decade since I lost myself. Time flies. I realize we all grow & change. This isn't just that.

After my bout of M.RS.A infection that could have cost me my life, I changed. That was a good thing. It made me appreciate life a little more. It made me not take things for granted. It scared me too, facing my own mortality. And I packed on weight.

A couple years later, we started trying to have a baby. It was hard and we lost a pregnancy. I fell apart. Trying to conceive took a toll on us, as it does everyone. Again, I changed. That brought on my first bout with anxiety/depression. I fought through it, with a little bit of meds. It made me angry, sad, jealous. I found out I wasn't good at everything I tried. I found out I can fail. I found out I do have a jealous bone or two in my body. Things that aren't all bad, but certainly different feelings for me. And I packed on weight.

I finally got pregnant with MM. I never complained at all during the pregnancy. It had a rocky start and horrific all-day sickness through out the entire pregnancy. I made it farther than anyone thought I would. I just kept plugging along, one day at a time. It wasn't the perfect pregnancy. Nothing went as I planned. It was okay though. We were having a baby. Then I developed preeclampsia & all things changed. It certainly was different being on the other side of the incubator. I had to rely on others to take care of me AND my child. I learned at times I was helpless. I realized I was, once again, a failure at something. I again learned anger. Anger at all the easy pregnancies; anger at babies being born on time; anger at ladies who got to have their babies in the room with them & leave the hospital with their babies. I learned I could be passive-aggressive with NICU nurses. I lost my ability to speak up when it came to MM & what was best because I was so sick myself. I also got intimidated by others cause they could care for my child better than me.

We brought her home & I thought we would live happily ever after. Wrong- there went my naivity. She was a lot of work, high maintenance. Slowly clutter over came the house. Then one diagnosis after another came. I was constantly on the road, going from one doctor or therapy to the next or people were coming to the house for treatment. Life became a whirlwind of this stuff along with working nearly full time. Something had to give, so the house became kind of clean and cluttered, not neat & spotless. Once more, anger boiled up cause my life wasn't kinder.mus.ic, mommy playdates & on time milestones. Helplessness came on cause of all the therapists knowing how to help fix what is wrong with my daughter. I lost all my spontaneity cause of all the incessant appointments, the autism, the sensory issues. I lost alot of my dreams. I learned I can't fix everything. More anxiety & depression set in, once I woke up from the first year fog, but it settled in and has stayed. I learned how quickly I could get angry at everyone when stressed. And I packed on weight.

Moving to the public school system was a real eye opener. I have learned I can fly off the handle and go from zero to pi$$ed off in 0.2 seconds. I have learned I can yell (at whoever is nearby) and FIGHT. OMG, can I fight, but mostly out of necessity. None of this is fun. I do have fun sometimes, but most of my life is stress & work.

So, like I said, I miss the old me. I am working hard trying to find parts of the old me as the new me moves through this life. I am trying to lose weight. So far, I have lost 11 lbs since the beginning of the year. Pretty good considering I have been on large amounts of ster.oids for the last 3 weeks. I have started keeping up with the house again. It has never been dirty, but it is now decluttered & super clean the way I like it. I am being more assertive when it comes to matters of MM and not just taking for granted what they tell me. I am working on not being so quick to anger & trying to be the happy-go-lucky once more. I am learning I don't have to be perfect all the time and its okay. I don't know if I can ever have back the spontaneity I used to enjoy with all of MM's issues. We ALL are affected by autism in that way. I am only feeling moderately depressed at times, not the severe gripping kind I have felt in the past. (That's not to say it won't creep up on me and grab me again. I take my meds & I will run to counseling when I feel it starting if I can recognize it) Most of all, I want to have lots of fun again. I don't know how I will get there, but I will, slowly but surely.


Jamie said...

Are you inside my head because I am pretty sure this piost was about me, not you. :) I hope to get to know you as well. I too am on meds for depression and headingback to counseling because once again, I let all of this get the best of me. I hope you are finding yourself again. I am afraid our "new" selves will never be the "old" selves but I hope we will learn to be ok with that.

Holly said...

Oh, I hear ya! There's a picture of me at a new years eve party that I love to look at. Happy, Smiling and probably a little tipsy. Naive.

Of course I have happy times now, but they are different now. Not so carefree.

I miss that girl.