Saturday, February 13, 2010

And Runnin', Runnin'

My mind, that is.

INSOMNI.A

I have it bad. Some of it is s.teriod induced (I was on high doses to help with my asthma), but I am weaning off of those. Most of it is stress induced.

All of this school stuff is crazy. I can't turn my brain off, no matter what. I have tried EVERYTHING except am.bi.en. I don't feel that bad, but how long can I keep going on less than 4 hours of sleep? I am a go to bed at 9 get up at 5 kind of girl. I worry that I will run myself down and get sick again. I can't afford that- physically, mentally, financially or time-wise!

The meeting with the attor.ney went very well. I don't think it will be a matter of getting lots of money like most people think when someone needs to get involved in litigation. It is a matter of forcing their hand and getting them to do what is appropriate for MM. For my initial consultation, we talked for 2 1/2 hours. He is going to review all the info, reports, IEPS, etc and then give me some legal advice.

I really liked this gentleman. He doesn't appear to be the "shark" that people talk about. He was very calming, very methodical, but OH SO knowledgeable. He is the guru for special education law around here. I am very pleased. He realizes I don't have a lot of money (it is tied up in MM's therapy & medical stuff) or time to fight a huge law suit. IF I have to, I will. In talking to him, I feel validated. I do not want to go into any more details than that on here, since blogs are public.

The reason why I feel validated? Per usual, DH. I don't understand why we can't seem to get on the same page here when it comes to the education stuff. I think I value education more than he does, since it was a priority in my family growing up and not so much in his. He thinks I am crazy & over reacting. He feels that they (the school) are trying to do the right thing, but they don't know how. WTH? He hasn't done any reading or research about the laws, rights of special ed children, etc. I HAVE. TONS! If he would, he would realize what is going on here. If it is lack of know how, then they better learn or get someone in there who does. It is the LAW. I don't believe they are even doing what is necessary and appropriate, THE LAW, not just the right thing. There are so many things that are wrong and it keeps getting worse, that it can't keep happening. She needs to be able to function and learn how to independently. They need to give her the tools so she can do this. They want to get by with as little as possible. I don't know if it is just laziness, lack of money, lack of knowledge, etc. I DO know that by doing what I am doing, we will get to the heart of it.

We are fortunate. I am college educated. I am organized. I know how to do research. I have a large number of resources to utilize. I am a great advocate for my child. I am not the first mother to go in there without the support of her husband. (This was all stuff the attorney told me; nice to hear from a stranger) What about the parents who only have a third grade level of reading? They will just blindly do what the school tells them. That is WRONG! I can't let this happen to MM or another child. I know that it will, but even if I can make one tiny bit of difference, then this is worth it.

It is part of his denial thing, I guess. It just pi$$es me off to no end. We fight, we don't talk, etc. I am tired of fighting him about everything. He was also angry that I am spending more money. TOO BAD! This is about MM! I want her to be the best she can be. He is a very good father to her. I know he loves her. He takes wonderful care of her. He tries hard. He is still learning himself and just waking up to the fact that this is life long. He is in his own grieving process. I just don't think he is a good partner to me.

In all fairness, I am not a good partner to him. We have lost our ability to communicate with one another. I can easily see why the divorce rate is so high. I am very passionate. I react emotionally at first (not in public, at home, I rant and rave, cry, etc), but then am very methodical about doing things. By reacting emotionally, I AM HUMAN! This is my child! My only child who happens to have some disabilities. My only child who I have to guide and teach her the world, in spite of her wanting to be in her own world. He thinks I am just plain crazy. He doesn't believe in depression or anxiety (even though he had some terrible bouts with anxiety not so long ago, I would have thought he would be more sympathetic). He thinks it is BS and that I just need to relax and it will be okay. If it were that simple.... He won't go back to counseling because he said he first suggested it a while ago (he went one session when I was having problems) and so he doesn't want to go now. I think that is childish. I wanted to first, you didn't, so now no way. I realize that was my mistake, but come on!

I need to step back myself and take a look. I am doing a large amount of self introspection on top of every thing else. I want my marriage to work.

It takes two though.


This is only 1/1,000,000 of all that is going on in my brain. And I wonder why I can't sleep?

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

So tough! :( You, him, and MM all deserve the best, deserve to be happy. I agree w/the school thing. It IS happening. It happens all the time! Whether it's because of people giving up on SN kids, even though most of them CAN & do progress way further with help/therapy- that's what therapy is for, hello!! or because they're just plain lazy or concerned about funds.... either way it's SO wrong. Why are you teachers if you don't care? I bet you're feeling at this point, with everybody, that common sense really isn't common. Hang in there- maybe try finding alternate ways of communicating with your hubby. Take time out to just be with him, without MM. Have fun, dont focus on the difficult things at that time. Sounds like you both need to defuse & clear the slate before going back to talk about whatever issues again. Counseling would be good- try & find out calmly what his mental obstacles are to that- does he feel like it's an admission of personal failure? And also, time to be with him, with MM there, but where it's fun & feels "normal." The zoo? Games? I don't know but maybe YOU do. I think you're tough & I'm sorry. Hoping things look up & soon!

The Henrys said...

You are right, you can't keep going on only four hours of sleep. As you said, you will get sick. I tried am.bi.en before and it worked really well.

You are also right when you said "even if I make one tiny bit of difference, then this is worth it". Thank you for saying this because I needed to hear it!

It takes a lot of courage and strength to fight this fight, and you have both.

Try to get some sleep,
Debbi

j said...

remember why you fell in love in the first place and fight for him as much as you fight for your daughter. you both deserve to be happy.
ps the lawyer sounds amazing. i will keep my fingers crossed.

Katy said...

I worked as a special education teacher and let me tell you--legislators write laws, but then don't allocate the proper resources to have them followed. That's the biggest problem.

As for you and the Hub--I've accpeted that Hub and I have different prioritites when it comes to Charlie. It's OK--he handles things I'm not good at and I do what I'm good at--research, adovocacy, etc. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

MeghatronsMom said...

@Katy:

"As for you and the Hub--I've accpeted that Hub and I have different prioritites when it comes to Charlie. It's OK--he handles things I'm not good at and I do what I'm good at--research, adovocacy, etc. We all have our strengths and weaknesses."

I realize this for sure. He does not. He wants to tell me how to go about the whole situation & he has not done one bit of research, not one bit of reading about laws. Ignorance is not a reason to blindly follow them or trust them. If his opinions about the situation were sound, based on what HE has read, etc, then I would not argue with him. They are not.

However, that is advice is a GREAT starting point for me. I never thought of it that way about letting us each handle what we are good at.

@J:
More good advice. Kind of eye on the prize thing.

@Debbi:
Thanks! I needed to hear all of that!

@Anon:
Thanks for agreeing & for more good advice! Also, thanks for saying I am tough! Don't always feel that way...