As I said before, I am really tired. It is the weekend that I am off. Lately, on the weekends I am off, I feel like I am in survival mode. I just try to get by with my sanity intact. MM being out of school is really NOT a good thing. I have tried my best, come up with (what I thought was) a pretty good schedule for her, but I have failed. She stims & melts down so much that I want to stab myself in the eye with a pen. Not really, well the stabbing eye part. This is the first time in years that she has not had an ESY. It is not working for her or us. I am so worn down with patience & my nerves are shot. I really need a break from everything- work, her, my dh, my life.
I want a vacation so bad. Sadly, I want one all by my selfish self. I hear, see & read about everyone having wonderful vacations with their families. That just doesn't happen here. MM can't hates going places. It becomes a lot of work to calm her. DH gets easily frustrated with us, I get really angry with him. (He too is hard to travel & vacation with. He doesn't like to drive long distances & doesn't like to fly- WTH???? Doesn't leave many options for us) I feel trapped here. I feel like I am a horrible mother for wanting alone time. I need to recharge my batteries. I am like a car with a dead battery that hasn't been replaced. I am constantly having to be "jumped" every time I need to do anything. Although, one of these times, I am not going to start.
This is not what I envisioned when I dreamed of having a family. I am so bummed right now.
That is all.
Cha-cha-cha-cha-chaaaaanges!
13 years ago
6 comments:
i hear you. even a weekend alone in a hotel. someplace i don't need to clean or work from ... a place where i don't have to bow to the wishes of four little hooligans. a break. without ANY children. and with lots of sleep. and music. and reading. or whatever.
just.keep.swimming.
I so know how you feel--trapped. I usually take the kids and go on vacation every summer to visit my sisters that are 2 states away. I can't go this summer because I found out that I can't trust my husband---see my earlier anon. comment. My son only gets 2 weeks of ESY and it isn't for another 3 weeks. I don't know WHAT we are going to do all summer!!!
Anon: I so sorry about your husband. I wouldn't know what to do if I was dealing with that on top of all of this. Please know you can come here & comment any time you like. I am listening.
(((((Hugs))))
Is there any respite care places around you? I know that one of Regan's summer camps offers a program where trained staff watch your child for daytime or weekend retreats. Sometimes they are even covered through insurance, as part of maintaining good mental health. Also it is never too early to look at summer camps, and daycamp programs...there are tons around especially if you live closer to a metropolitan area. A lot of these start as young as age 6.
I understand about needing some"me" time and space. My sister and I are trying to plan a weekend in August with two other sisters to relax and scrapbook at a B&B. I realy hope we get it worked out!
You are not alone!
Don't feel guilty for feeling the way that you do. Being the mother of a special needs child is a very difficult role, and it comes with lots of feelings!
I am right there with you. I have fought the school every year for ESY for my daughter, but have never won.
Fall will come, we just have to take it one day at a time!
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