The Vows

I went to a wedding Saturday evening. Those who know me IRL know that I am a softy at heart. I have the rule that no one cries without me & I will shed a tear or two at something super sweet or super sad. I went to the wedding with my friend & her 6 week old infant. I ended up sitting by myself since the wee one started crying almost immediately. The church was beautiful & I was sitting there doing great. I didn't even cry when the bride came in. Then came the vows:

I, (Bride/Groom), take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; forsaking all others, from this day forward until death do us part.

Then the tears started.

Not because it was beautiful & I was happy for my friends (which is usually why I cry at weddings). I cried cause I was really thinking of those vows. How is it working out for us (DH & I)?

To have and to hold from this day forward: We have each other but there isn't much time for "holding". It has become a chore in my mind. We have to schedule the time in for each other & I am often so exhausted that it is something I quickly drop from the list.

For better or for worse: We certainly have had our fair share of worse- where is the better? We lost a baby, struggled to get pregnant, had a preemie, got the two big diagnosises. It seems the better has truly gotten lost around here for quite a while.

For richer, for poorer: I believe we fall into the poorer as of late. We have spent so much money on her therapy, doctors appointments, my medication, etc. Also, like everyone else, we struggle with the way the economy is heading.

In sickness and in health: This was what really got the water works flowing at full gush. One year after getting married, I got really sick with an infection that took over 3 months to clear. We then have had to deal with MM's sicknesses, which are really life long. Then, once again this year, I have been hit hard with infections & the uncontrolled blood pressure. (Have I mentioned that I am waiting for a vascular surgeon appt so I can get a stenosis in my aorta repaired? I know I haven't cause I am desperately trying not to think of it & the scariness of it all) We have really battled much more sickness & not enjoyed as much health.

To love and to cherish: I know that I love my DH, but do I cherish him? Do I feel the same way today as I did when I took those vows? I know that I do not feel like he cherishes me any more.

AND YET, we are still together. It has been nearly 9 1/2 years since we said those vows. We are beating the odds at the moment, since 50% of families with a preemie & 80% of families with an ASD child go through divorce.

This wedding really got me thinking that I need to step back & take a long hard look. I need to find the time & energy to somehow make my DH & our marriage a priority again. I need to go back to counseling & find me again. Maybe if I find me, I can find the ability to cherish him once more & not just love him. I know that I will NEVER be the old me, been through too much. But, maybe I can find the good pieces of the old me & merge them with the good pieces of the new me to make an even better new me. A better us.

And this is my vow.