Fighting the Fight

Trying to, that is. A losing battle it has become.

I haven't posted in several weeks. I make attempts to sit down & blog, but nothing comes. I have lots to blog about, but can't make my finger move over the keys to bring out the words.

What fight am I fighting, but not winning?

Yep, those three nasty enemies of mine are trying to take over again. Depression, anxiety & insomnia.

Now, most of my personal issues are job related. My work has been super hectic. We have a lot of BS coming from management as well. There is just no time or place to decompress there. We are literally being trusted to manage people's life support, yet we aren't allowed to manage our own breaks at the moment. I have worked as a professional snot sucker for more than 15 years (makes me sound old!!!). I have never been treated so child-like in my career and I find it to be degrading. I came closerthanthis to quitting the other day, but I can't. I am stuck.

I need the FMLA for MM. If I go somewhere else, I will not have that for a year. She can't afford to be out of therapy that long. I need the insurance. Although I pay out the nose, I do have pretty decent insurance. Her health (and mine) desperately need it. If we could live without the money, I would. There just isn't any way unless we live off of assistance, which I am too proud to do. However, with me feeling like my sanity is in question, I wonder if I might get declared crazy & get that check any way.

Autie has been especially trying for the last two months or so. Her legs are getting tight. She is rotating in more. I am sad cause we are at the age where they told us she "wouldn't be able to be picked out of a crowd". WRONG! We are still dealing with all of this. Her wheelchair should be in in the next few weeks. DH is adamant about not using it. I had to carry her for several city blocks the other day & messed up my back. She is too big, too heavy & too stiff for me to carry around all the time now. She refuses to ride in her pushchair (aka stroller per her), so I get stuck carrying her.

I wish I could come to the place of total acceptance and stay there. It seems that any little thing in life can push me down when I least expect it. Evals came in along with the time of year when our first lost LB should have been born and the crap at work. BOOM! One step forward, two steps back. I envy so many of you here in bloggy land who are able to post so eloquently & deal with their child's disabilities with such grace. I have none. I am a bull in a China shop that can't seem to get it under control.

I feel myself sinking back into that black hole. I don't want to go back there. It is the holidays, I have so much to do. I am forcing myself to go through the steps, but I feel void of emotion. There are some good things happening around here, it just feels hard to celebrate when you are fighting. I just don't want to be in this life right now. I want to run away. I can't, but want to desperately.