Monday, November 30, 2009

Fighting the Fight

Trying to, that is. A losing battle it has become.

I haven't posted in several weeks. I make attempts to sit down & blog, but nothing comes. I have lots to blog about, but can't make my finger move over the keys to bring out the words.

What fight am I fighting, but not winning?

Yep, those three nasty enemies of mine are trying to take over again. Depression, anxiety & insomnia.

Now, most of my personal issues are job related. My work has been super hectic. We have a lot of BS coming from management as well. There is just no time or place to decompress there. We are literally being trusted to manage people's life support, yet we aren't allowed to manage our own breaks at the moment. I have worked as a professional snot sucker for more than 15 years (makes me sound old!!!). I have never been treated so child-like in my career and I find it to be degrading. I came closerthanthis to quitting the other day, but I can't. I am stuck.

I need the FMLA for MM. If I go somewhere else, I will not have that for a year. She can't afford to be out of therapy that long. I need the insurance. Although I pay out the nose, I do have pretty decent insurance. Her health (and mine) desperately need it. If we could live without the money, I would. There just isn't any way unless we live off of assistance, which I am too proud to do. However, with me feeling like my sanity is in question, I wonder if I might get declared crazy & get that check any way.

Autie has been especially trying for the last two months or so. Her legs are getting tight. She is rotating in more. I am sad cause we are at the age where they told us she "wouldn't be able to be picked out of a crowd". WRONG! We are still dealing with all of this. Her wheelchair should be in in the next few weeks. DH is adamant about not using it. I had to carry her for several city blocks the other day & messed up my back. She is too big, too heavy & too stiff for me to carry around all the time now. She refuses to ride in her pushchair (aka stroller per her), so I get stuck carrying her.

I wish I could come to the place of total acceptance and stay there. It seems that any little thing in life can push me down when I least expect it. Evals came in along with the time of year when our first lost LB should have been born and the crap at work. BOOM! One step forward, two steps back. I envy so many of you here in bloggy land who are able to post so eloquently & deal with their child's disabilities with such grace. I have none. I am a bull in a China shop that can't seem to get it under control.

I feel myself sinking back into that black hole. I don't want to go back there. It is the holidays, I have so much to do. I am forcing myself to go through the steps, but I feel void of emotion. There are some good things happening around here, it just feels hard to celebrate when you are fighting. I just don't want to be in this life right now. I want to run away. I can't, but want to desperately.


Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog and feel compelled to leave a comment. I know it sounds trite, but last week I was riding the bus and overheard a devasting story. And the person telling the story was behind me, as was the person listening. The person listening said - what are you going to do now. And the person who had just told her story said - I'm going to count my blessings. I'm going to start with my ten fingers and ten toes - and then rest a bit. I think what she was really saying was she could only look as far as her own fingers and toes - for the time being. Hang in there - even though it's getting dark. She needs you.

Colleen said...

(((hugs))) I think the holidays are typically the most stressful times...everyone thinks they are supposed to be merry and bright, while many feel the opposite!

Angela said...

(((hugs))) I wish I had the answers and the magic to take make it easier...I have been absent from the blogging world and so many posts I've read today just remind me that it helps to stay connected! We need one another and just know I am here for ya (even if it's just to listen)...hang in there!!!

pixiemama said...

I know.


Pia said...

Ahhhh... the call of the black hole. I know it well....

The holidays make that call louder to be sure. I think "the holidays" are like this mini-condensed version of the way "life" is "supposed" to be. We are all suppose to have that perfect house,kids,hubby, hair, job etc etc. And the holidays invoke images of Norman Rockwell/miracles happen/joy joy joy.

But you and I, we live in this real world, have real problems both big and small. And they don't go away just because we are cooking turkey or wrapping presents. Frankly, they get worse because... on top of everything else ... we now have to cook turkey and wrap presents and try to care.

My opinion is do what you want to do and nothing else... someone wants you to do more, just tell them that you are overwhelmed and if they would love to help you, maybe they could do that for you...thanks...

Do what works for you to get out of the hole... for me it is going out in my car and listening to my music loud. Really loud. I call in sick for a mental health day for me and sit in a coffee shop and pretend I am a normal person with a normal life for an hour. It just lets me breathe a little.

Good luck and know that we are out here and we totally get it!!!


j said...

i am so sorry about your stress level. work stress is the absolute worse especially when you are so micromanaged that you feel trapped. i am in the same stressful situation but i will pray that god sends you a little relief. good thing you vented, i hope it made you feel a little better and not so alone.

Shannon said...

Thinking of you and sending you tons of hugs. The holidays don't last forever.
I get it.

Ellen said...

Hey. I am sorry you're feeling like this, and seriously hope that you had a good Christmas day.