Monday, August 10, 2009

Opinions are like...

As one blogger that I love to read calls it "Ass-vice". People are always full of it, willing to dish it out, even when not elicited. I suppose most mean well or are truly trying to help. I just don't know about it.

For example, my mother's friend (who also happens to be a nurse & is well aware of MM's disabilities) came into town. This lady has been a friend of my mother's for years & I really do adore her. She is quick witted, funny & sarcastic- my kind of humor for sure. MM knows of the friend, but is not familiar with her. She spent an hour with MM & I this morning. She was in full on ASD mode, complete with vocal ticks and flapping. To some, her voice & actions appear to be naughty behavior. She was very patient with her, which is unusual for those who don't really know her. She did a great job of ignoring the stims, tried to engage her & just generally appeared at ease with the situation (we went out to a restaurant for breakfast that is very small & we were the only ones in there to help out MM). Overall, it was a nice, short visit for MM. She tolerated her well.

After dropping off MM at school, she then proceeded to deal out the assvice. This wasn't something I would normally expect from her. At first, she told me what an amazing job I was doing. Thanks. No problem with that comment. She then gave me the standard God knows who to give the special kids to, etc. Although always well intended, it doesn't really ring true to me. Next came my favorites. She looks just like any other kid, just a little weird. Okay. Is she supposed to look horrible? She will grow up to be just fine. She will surprise you by the time she is sixteen. You won't be able to pick her out of a crowd. She will have a job & everything. You will truly be amazed, don't ever doubt her or give up on her. STOP RIGHT THERE! YOU HAVE A FRIGGIN' CRYSTAL BALL? WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I am so glad you came into town to spend this hour with my child & tell me these things. I didn't realize that all of the hard work, hours of therapy, money spent, fighting with the schools & insurance companies, pushing, pushing, pushing was doubting & giving up on her. I have never believed she could surprise me since she has proved everyone wrong since the day she was born. I was definitely giving up on her at age 6, but since you just told me all of this, I guess I will keep working with her.

I just can't believe that in a mere decade, everything will be okay. So, now I have a time line of when my stress will be gone & our happily ever after will begin.

End of sarcasm.


Sometimes, I think a book needs to be written of things NOT to say to parents of SNK & what the right things are to say. I am sure it is out there somewhere and if not, it needs to be. How about posting your best ASSvice received in regards to your child or any thing else in your life?

9 comments:

Melanie said...

Well - I hear you loud and clear.
I don't know if there is a book out there about what to say and what NOT to say. But hey if you need a co-author on one.....I'm willing!!

TerriMarie said...

Love it! Assvice! So borowing that from you. I agree, she probably meant well, but yeah...no thank you. Neurotypical parents do not get it...I'm a nurse, that doesn't make me understanding of Autism...being a mom of an Autistic boy does. You rock! From one chastized mom to the next!

kristi said...

Yes, my mother in law, who never comes around, told me TC will be fine by the time he is 10. Gosh, I am so happy she knows these things!

knitwit said...

I found your blog through the cheapskate mom blog--congrats on being featured! And boy, did this post ring true for me! I knopw someone who I literally cannot have over anymore because I'm afraid that if I get any more assvice on how my own special kid hasn't developed at the same rate as hers, I'm going to hit her with my cast-iron fry pan!

Autism and family said...

I just love those "they'll grow out of it" comments. Ummmm, no. I love those "don't give up" comments. Ummmm, OK. "I love those "he looks so normal" comments. AARRGGHH. Don't you just want to throttle these people. Especially when you don't see it coming.
Let's all co-author a book. I promise to not swear. Or at least try :-)

Meeko Fabulous said...

There are so many common misconceptions of kids with autism. My sister-in-law is a teacher and she works with autistic kids. Some are high-functioning, others not so much, but she still doesn't give up on them!

elle said...

But how did you actually respond to the assvice? Did you educate her so she won't make the same blunder with someone else?

Certified Army Wife said...

I found you through browsing and finding you on cheapskate mom. I just started here. The short bus caught my eye because well my son rode on one last year because he was in special education. My son is not autistic but he is nearly 5 and is very delayed in his speech. I constantly got flack from my in laws because my husbands sisters little girl who is a year younger and has an older sibling could talk better. I never pointed out the fact he knew his colors, numbers, shapes, etc. while she didn't but there were pleanty of times when I wanted to. It always seemed like when people didn't know him and he would slightly act up there was one lady who kept saying he was autistic. I don't know much about autism but it seemed like to me he was a typical 4 year old who just couldn't tell you his feelings so acted out. But then again what is typical of a 4 year old. I wouldn't have been so nice as you were if someone said my kid was funny lookin. It's people with that attitude who tease kids when they are young because they don't look like everyone else.

The Henrys said...

I am late in posting this, it took me a few days to remember the worst assvice I got.
A teacher, during an IEP, told me that kids like my daughter grow up and hit their parents if their behavior isn't taken care of when they are young. She had only met my daughter once. My daughter is the happiest little girl I have ever seen. She has never once hit a person, or acted aggressive in any way, but for some reason this teacher thought she had behavior problems.
One more, the speech therapist told me that we need to teach my daughter not to put her fingers in her mouth because it is not "pretty to look at"
Oh, and one more. Instead of giving us a script for a special chair for my daughter to sit in at the dinner table, a doctor told us to put her in a regular chair. I told him that she can't sit in a chair like that and that she will just keep falling out and onto the floor. He said then she will be working on her balance. I thought, oh yeah, let's let her fall and hit her head and get even more brain damage.