Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Green-eyed monster

How does one not get jealous? How does one keep the green-eyed monster away?

I have a very good friend who just had a baby. I went to visit him & his wife just a few hours after the birth. I was one of a constant stream of family & friends. The baby was great & perfect in every way. They were all sitting there, the happy little family. I even got to hold the little peanut. I was amazed by all of this. Now, this sounds so "normal". Why was I amazed, you ask?

I did not get to experience any of this. I never held my little one when she was just hours old. I never got to experience the joy of a newborn without wires & tubing hanging off of her. I could only see & hold for brief moments. I did not experience the joy of watching my husband hold her & show her off to everyone. I did not have the constant stream of visitors for I was sick myself and I think people are afraid when preemie is born. Unless you work with them or have one, you don't really know what to expect. I also had a falling out with some of my family before I got pregnant and had very little contact with them. SO, only a few came. I did not change her first diaper, feed her first or even get to clean her umbilical cord. I also had to leave the hospital without my little one.

When I left there, I was a mixed bag of emotions. Don't get me wrong, I am OVERJOYED for them- I would never wish the experiences I had on anyone. However, my heart ached. I so dreamed of that picture and it never did nor probably will never come true for us. I don't usually notice the void I have in my heart for things like this until something like this happens. I have come to accept all the things we do as normal. It is our norm, but it is not the world's norm. And when I realize that, every now & then, that ugly green monster comes around &I have to chase him off.

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