Thursday, January 7, 2010

Wanting/Having a Number 2

And I'm not talking about poo! (sorry, my 12 year old boy humor rearing its ugly head)

Ellen, one of my fav bloggers, has posted a very interesting question. It is so provocative that I feel like my answer needs its own post. I was reading the answers on her blog & felt like I would put the "harsh on the mellow" of the responders.

Am I scared to have a second child? I am "turdified".

My risk of pre-e is so high that I would probably have another preemie. Not just another preemie, but one more premature than MM. I feel like we were very fortunate with our NICU stay and don't really want to tempt the odds. Yes, she has CP as a long lasting reminder and they still don't know why (was it lack of nutrients in utero, was it lack of oxygen during labor, did it happen after delivery). My pre-e was quite severe. I have so many problems now with my blood pressure that I can't imagine risking my life for another little one. How is that fair to DH & MM? I know I would be on bed rest from very early on. Again, how is that fair to the tiny family I have now? I need my job, MM needs her therapy, DH needs a partner (no matter how poor of a job I have been doing), etc.

The whole autism thing plays into this as well. They still haven't found the cause or if it is truly genetic. I don't want to bring another child into the world with the potential of having ASD. What if I had a boy and he was more affected? Yes, we are very lucky with how well MM is doing and her functionality. I hate that she has to struggle & fight every day to make her way in this world.

I read of those who went on to have a second and it helped them. It all worked out and healed them of all the trauma they had from NICU, etc. When I envision having a second, I don't see all that happening for us. Is it cause my judgment is clouded by my own issues (depression)? I also read of how another has helped the older SNK. I totally can see that, but is the age gap too large now?

I am a realist and look at the odds. The odds are not in our favor. I love to gamble, but I try to be smart about it. I wouldn't bet on these odds with money, why take the risk with another life and risk our family as well? People say "adopt or get a surrogate". Surrogate would carry our DNA, so still risky. Both of those options are quite expensive too. We have spent a good sum of our savings on ABA & other therapy for MM. We just don't have thousands of dollars sitting around to adopt.

That doesn't mean that part of me doesn't say JUST DO IT! (although we can't just do it, it takes work for us to get pg & stay pg) Don't worry, just go for it. What will be will be. I have done it before, doing it now & it is working out. My heart does feel an empty place, yearning for more children. I always wanted a houseful of children. I know that wants & needs are two different things. I need to take care of the family I have and enjoy the child I have now.

And would some one please tell MM that she is not having a little sister? She keeps saying that over & over. She also told the teacher she has a baby brother named Patrick. These statements don't help me stand firm in my decision! .

So am I scared? What do you think?


Candace said...

HI I found you from Ellen's blog! I read your post and I opted the same way. My daughter, Faith, had a stroke at birth and has CP, too. It used to eat at me, but we waited and waited and time began to make our decisions for us. We are glad we didn't...couldn't imagine splitting my time. Most folks think another baby with fix their pain or make them happy...but in my experience GOD will heal us and once we get the that point we have ACCEPTANCE. And that is a good thing, for me. Nice to meet you!

Nancy said...

Hi Tiff. I am sure you know that Matt and I have severed the chances of us having another child (pun intended). And it's for basically the same reasons that you list. My pre-e and HELLP were severe as well. I can not and will not allow Caitlyn to watch me go through that. And while I pulled through it quickly with her, there is no telling whether or not that would be the same outcome. Like you, I can't see it being fair to Caitlyn and Matt.

That being said however, we did try again. 2 times in fact. And that didn't end nicely either. So I think that the gods in their infinite wisdom have given me all the signs I need to just "close up shop."

It was very heartbreaking to come to this decision though. I know I can joke about it now and speak lightheartedly, but it took me a year to say the words out loud to people that we would not be having any more children. Now that the decision has been made and steps taken to make sure it doesn't happen, I can say I am so very content with our choices. I was worried initially about Cait being an only child. But now I can see the benefits to that. Not to mention that I could not go back to carrying a diaper bag and all that other baby stuff! LOL

Ok, this is long enough, sorry to ramble!

Suelle said...

Hi, I found your blog thru Ellen's. We also haven't had another, for various reasons.
I very much like how you put it--is this fair to the family I'm lucky enough to already have? What if something happened to me? And yes, this hasn't been easy. Could I possibly do this again? And would it be fair to Teddy (son)? What if I had another boy & he was, for lack of a better word, "normal"? I know how the world works--comparisons would be made between the two of them. And Teddy would know what was going on.
I can't do it to him, & it just ends up feeling selfish to want another, to prove that I could have a "normal" child.

Laura Gilmour said...

I did a recent post (as an individual with Asperger's) about the possibility of having children in the future and my worries the risk that my future children would have ASD (gentic risk). There are many personal and ethical issues to be considered there. I hope I have the oppertunity to become a parent someday either through adoption or naturally, but I don't know if that will happen. I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

Ellen said...

Hi. I totally understand your fears, and would feel the same way in your shoes. Dare I ask, have you considered adoption?

MeghatronsMom said...

@ Ellen Quoted from my post:

People say "adopt or get a surrogate". Surrogate would carry our DNA, so still risky. Both of those options are quite expensive too. We have spent a good sum of our savings on ABA & other therapy for MM. We just don't have thousands of dollars sitting around to adopt.