Having a special needs child is very difficult. There is lots of joy in it, however, there is also a lot of heartache. Included in that heartache is anger, resentment, sadness & blame. BLAME- one does alot of blaming. It can be something very hard to get over. I often blame myself in many ways for MM disabilities.
Maybe I should have gone to the doctor sooner...
Maybe I should I have been more adamant during labor about her decels...
Maybe I did something to deserve this.
That last one is a big one for me. Now, I realize that with lots of soul-searching & counseling that it is not the case. I don't feel that way too often any more. However, in the last few weeks there has been something that went on in my life that has caused these feelings to resurface. This is a long story, so I will try to keep it brief.
My brother has been dating a girl for about 9 months or so. Even though she lives here, I guess he initially met her on myspace. She blogs alot about her personal life, often some VERY personal things. She added me as one of her friends & I now have the ability to read her blogs. It is interesting to read things from her point of view. She sometimes posts things about my mom or me & my family. She made one post about a past conversation her & my brother had. It was one of their first conversations. I was reading it & got towards the bottom. Here is what I read, I am however removing the names. (His conversation will be in blue, hers in pink)
8:07 PM They moved here then my parents retired to florida and then my sister was in a coma from having a child and then they decided to move here to help her out
me: my family is in florida
they want me to move back down there
8:08 PM damn you and your sister are sickly
8:10 PM no actually that was the first real thing that happened to me
8:11 PM me: i'm just kidding with you
but my sister is and her daughter has cerebal palsey
me: that sucks
8:12 PM i think it serves her right in some ways cause when we were little she used to make fun of the special kids all the time and i used to tell her
dont do that it might happen to yoo
but her daughter megan is awsome
8:13 PM i love her to death she's the cutest little thing
I have loads of problems with this conversation. First, he can't even spell her name correctly. Second, I was never in coma. Third, I very rarely made fun of special kids. He is not so above me, he was acting all high & mighty. I guess he was using it to get some from this girl. NOW, to say that it serves me right. WTF??? I immediately burst into tears. It is the most horrible feeling in the world to have someone, who supposedly loves you, say that about you & your SNK. My hubby went & confronted him about it. At first, he claimed he never said it. Can't claim that lie- it was right there in black & white on her blog. He then said he was angry when he said it. WHATEVER! I don't care how mad you are, you don't attack me by saying I did something to stricken my innocent child with CP. He then emailed me an apology, but has not made any attempts to speak with me. I sure am heck not going to call him. I emailed him back & said I forgave, but obviously I can not forget.
Children are not born with disabilities to punish their parents. Children are innocent. Therefore by the grace of God he goes. What makes him think he did everything right & is deserving of having typical children? He has a whole lot of issues of his own & often depends on my mom, my sister or me to feed & cloth his children. He has no concept of how lucky he is to have two beautiful, completely whole children. I do believe though that is why I was given MM. I am not being punished. I am not sure what I did to deserve this for I am pretty lucky to have MM. She makes me thankful everyday for all the small things. We get to celebrate every little milestone that she passes for we did not know if she would. She was given to me to teach me to find joy in each & every little thing in life, to not take any thing for granted. She was given to me because I am able to provide for her and be a good advocate for her.
It was disheartening to find out what my own brother really thinks of me. His words, even if from a while ago, stung so bad. Those words have helped to send me back into a funk. I am trying to dig my way out by thinking of all the positives I stated above. He is just continuing to share the prejudice in the world that goes along with disabilities. Here he was claiming to be "Mr. Don't Make Fun of People" and yet he is just perpetuating one of the stereotypical thoughts people have. I found out how closed minded he really is. How sad it must be to be so closed minded, but I guess "it serves him right". He just has ordinary, typical kids. I have a special one <3